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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24088933">Green Eyes</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zarla/pseuds/Zarla'>Zarla</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Vargas Stories [13]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Johnny the Homicidal Maniac</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Denial, F/M, Jealousy, M/M, Original Character(s), Passive-aggression, Ugly Feelings, Unrequited Love, extremely ugly feelings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2007-03-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2007-03-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-20 22:13:33</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>4,078</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24088933</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zarla/pseuds/Zarla</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Nny has reconnected with Devi and everything's going really well between them! What more could anyone ask for? Johnny's so happy now.</p><p>Edgar can't figure out why he isn't.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Johnny "Nny" C./Devi D., Nny/Edgar (unrequited)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Vargas Stories [13]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/20964</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>43</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Green Eyes</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Another old fic I found buried in a bunch of files! Lot of ugly, ugly feelings in this one.</p><p>Set somewhere in <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/49492">Vargas</a> but the time is very fuzzy. Somewhere after chapter 16, probably.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"I went and saw Devi again yesterday."</p><p>"Oh?" His tone was casual, even as Edgar dropped the spoon he was cleaning into the dirty water with a splash and clack. There was a pause afterward as Edgar dug it out of the grimy water and other dishes with one hand and returned to scrubbing. "How'd it go?"</p><p>Johnny was silent a little longer. Maybe the noise had startled him. He wasn't sure.</p><p>"God, I love her." Johnny sighed deeply, longingly, with a kind of fascination and awe that Edgar had only seen during their trips to the movies. At least, that was the closest equivalent.</p><p>Edgar watched the spoon press against his fingers, watched his skin turn white around it. "What did you guys do?"</p><p><i>Johnny loves Devi, </i>Scriabin sang in the exact same tone as a classic schoolyard taunting chant. <i>Johnny loves Devi.</i></p><p>"We went to a movie, a good movie. A good movie and she watched it, and she understood it. God, she understood everything about it...she saw everything, just like I did. I could talk to her about it. I could really talk to her."</p><p><i>You can talk to me, if you want. I've always tried my best to understand. </i>Edgar shook his head. This wasn't about that. This wasn't...he had to keep himself calm. He couldn't focus on this. He couldn't turn this to be about him because it wasn't, it was about Johnny, and Johnny's happiness was what mattered in this situation, not his own sense of self-importance.</p><p>
  <i>Johnny loves Devi.</i>
</p><p>"Afterwards we went up to our cliff." Johnny sighed again. "God, it's like we belong there. Everything there is perfect with her. Everything she says, she does...she fits there, like it was missing a piece. It was missing a piece and I found it and brought it back."</p><p>For a moment, Edgar was thinking of someone else when Johnny used "our," but convinced himself he hadn't.</p><p>"We talked for hours. I can't talk to anyone like I can talk to her. She's so smart, she's witty, she knows just what to say...there's no one like her. Talking with her is like nothing else."</p><p><i>I wasn't aware that I didn't satisfy your needs-</i> Edgar picked up a fork and dug the tines into his fingers as a reminder as he cleaned. <i>This is about Johnny, not me.</i></p><p><i>Johnny loves Devi.</i> Louder and more irritating.</p><p>Another long, loving sigh. Johnny shifted in his chair, the wood creaking against the floor and Edgar could almost feel his contentment.</p><p>"Did she go home?"</p><p>"She left before I could invite her back to my place." A tinge of regret, and some horrible part of himself, Scriabin no doubt, was pleased by Johnny's disappointment. "She always leaves so suddenly. Everytime before I can..."</p><p>"I suppose she wouldn't want to stay around," Edgar said carefully and picked up a plate. "Besides, you spent a few hours with her. I guess that might be enough for her."</p><p>
  <i>You spend days with me.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Johnny loves Devi.</i>
</p><p>Johnny made an unhappy sound, perhaps at Edgar's words because he had carefully monitored his tone. "There's this kind of fear around her...you know what I mean."</p><p>"I know." Edgar cut him off.</p><p>Pause. Edgar rubbed at a black speck on the plate that would not go away.</p><p>"I want to see her again. She makes me feel...I don't even know how to describe it." Another sigh. "I didn't even know I could feel this way. I didn't know I could ever stop hating, you know...all of that, with her it just stops for those seconds, every now and then and it's so beautiful then, so perfect but I always wait too long, and..."</p><p>
  <i>Does it ever stop with me?</i>
</p><p>"I want to see her again. God, I want to see her again. Another human being, Edgar! I actually want to be around her!" Johnny said as if this was the first time this had ever happened.</p><p>Edgar put the plate to one side a bit harshly. "That doesn't happen very often for you."</p><p>Another pause. Edgar was trying hard not to let the anger override his words but he wasn't doing a good job. Something about what Johnny was saying filled him with rage, and frustration at feeling that rage. He should be happy for Johnny. Any good person would be happy for Johnny. That was all he wanted, all he had been striving for, wishing for those times when he saw that abject misery on his face. He wanted Johnny to be happy and here, here Johnny had found happiness.</p><p><i>In Devi,</i> Scriabin said gleefully.</p><p>Why did he feel so much anger? Why did he want to take the dishes he was washing and just smash them against the floor and scream at Johnny, scream at him until he understood that Edgar was a person just like Devi, and...</p><p>He wanted to be happy for Johnny. More than anything he wanted to be happy for him. He wanted to be happy that he had found someone that did everything right. But somewhere in that, somewhere in that there lingered a sense that Edgar must have been doing something wrong, for Johnny to have to turn to someone else. Edgar did not satisfy Johnny. Everything he had done was useless, because only Devi could apparently bring Johnny the happiness he desired. Only Devi could do it. Everything he offered Devi apparently did better. </p><p>And Edgar tried. Edgar had suffered, he had fought and bled and done things that he never thought he would do, all in the interests of keeping Johnny happy. And for what? To have it taken away by Devi's reluctant meetings with Johnny, taken away with a few hours at the movies and a talk that paled in comparison with the long conversations he and Johnny had gotten into once. </p><p>For God's sake, Edgar had promised Johnny his life. What more could he do? What was he doing wrong? Why did he need Devi? Why did he need Devi and...</p><p>and not him?</p><p>
  <i>Johnny loves Devi.</i>
</p><p>He hated himself for feeling this way but mostly hated, generally and he found much to his shame and frustration that he directed some towards Devi, which was entirely uncalled for. Devi had done nothing wrong, she had never wronged Edgar in any way or form, and yet here he was, hating her. God, how petty was he. What an ugly and selfish person was he. Wasn't he better than that? Wasn't he?</p><p>Something about the way he said her name, how he talked about her, all of it twisted in Edgar's stomach and made him shake, and he wasn't sure if it was from anger or fear or something else. It made him uncomfortable. It made him want to be sick. It made him want to hurt Johnny.</p><p>"Edgar, are you alright?"</p><p>"I'm fine." Edgar wanted to say that casually, but his tone was short. "You were saying?"</p><p>Another pause. Would Johnny be perceptive enough to pick up on Edgar's growing irritation?</p><p>Long silence, and he heard the chair move just slightly against the wood. Fidgeting. "I want to see her again."</p><p>Edgar squeezed the sponge tightly until his hand shook and his fingernails bit into his skin. He let the tremors spread from his hand up his arm to his shoulder before he let it go.</p><p>"You should ask her if she's busy." Another plate in hand. Edgar wondered if he had any steel wool, that would probably keep his attention on his hands more effectively, and the last thing Edgar wanted to do was think about any of this. His thoughts were going into dark places that scared him, and he wanted to blame them on Scriabin and he wasn't sure if he could.</p><p>"Yeah," Johnny said absently. Slight pause. "You met Devi, didn't you?"</p><p>"Yes I did."</p><p>"Did you like her?"</p><p>"Yes I did." Exact same tone as his previous answer. Edgar almost felt proud that he could mimic it so perfectly.</p><p><i>Johnny loves Devi. </i>Louder. <i>Johnny loves Devi.</i></p><p>"She makes you happy." Edgar set the dish to one side, this time with such care that it didn't make a sound. "I've always wanted you to be happy. She's a nice woman. I enjoy talking with her. I'm glad that you had a good time with her."</p><p><i>Why aren't you happy with me? </i>Furious and definitely in his own voice. <i>What am I doing wrong? What does she do that I don't? Why are you so fickle?</i> He immediately regretted his last thought and then found it wouldn't leave him as a result of the added attention.</p><p>Another pause.</p><p>"Are you sure you're okay?"</p><p>"I'm fine." Stronger tone, almost combative. That was a mistake. Edgar hoped that Johnny would be too wrapped up in Devi to notice. Previously Edgar would have commanded all, or at least most, of Johnny's attention, and therefore a slip like that could have dire consquences. Now with Devi on his mind, Johnny was less attentive on the whole.</p><p>"It doesn't bother you, does it?" Wow. Maybe Johnny <i>was</i> that perceptive. What a surprise. Edgar was shocked at the level of hatred and anger and betrayal he felt at Johnny for merely feeling happy and wished he could make it go away. Scriabin's singsong chant still repeating non-stop and had well-crossed the level of tolerable, and if Scriabin had a physical body it would be skewered with a dozen forks by now. Edgar would have screamed at him to shut up but that would give him the satisfaction of knowing he had gotten under Edgar's skin about a topic he could never let go.</p><p>"Why would it bother me?" Edgar felt around for the knife in the water and nicked his finger. He jumped, just barely, before fishing it out. "As long as she makes you happy, I don't care."</p><p>It had become crystal clear to Edgar that yes, he did care. He cared a lot, as a matter of fact, and he couldn't stand the fact that he did, or stand himself for doing so.</p><p>"You seem kind of upset." Was Johnny standing behind him? Sitting at the table? He had no idea.</p><p>"I'm not upset." Edgar wiped the blade of the knife and for a brief second imagined plunging it into Devi's chest, then recoiled at the mental image with genuine horror. God, what kind of person was he? He struggled to remove the image and found it only replaced with an equally quick flash of the knife instead finding a place between Johnny's ribs. He shook his head, shut his eyes tight.</p><p>
  <i>Tell me you're the one who's giving me those thoughts.</i>
</p><p><i>Nope.</i> Scriabin stopped singing for a few seconds, which Edgar was exceedingly grateful for. <i>Sad to say, my boy, that everyone gets those thoughts. Some are just more comfortable with it than others. That was all you.</i></p><p>
  <i>How can I be so petty, why am I so angry, I don't understand-</i>
</p><p>
  <i>You know, you make a big show of having no negative emotions, of being some lily-white pure virgin who never had a violent thought in your life, but that's simply not true, my boy. You do have those thoughts. You do feel petty and jealous and angry. It's who you are.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>I'm better than this.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>No one's better than that.</i>
</p><p>"You sound upset."</p><p>"I'm not upset."</p><p>"You sound-"</p><p>"I'm not upset," Edgar said with finality and put the knife to one side without care. It scraped and clattered amid the other dishes. "I'm happy for you."</p><p>Movement at the side of his vision. Johnny stood beside him. Edgar kept his eyes fixed on the water. Felt around for anything he might have missed.</p><p>"If you're done with your mug, you can just bring it to me and I'll clean it."</p><p>Johnny stared at him, confused. No doubt he didn't understand why Edgar was so agitated, and that same agitation made it hard for Edgar to hide. Edgar tried as hard as he could to steady his hands and calm his thoughts, return to the self that he knew but he still felt ugly and small inside and he wanted to choke Johnny and the thought horrified him.</p><p>"Why are you so upset then?"</p><p>
  <i>Johnny loves Devi.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>STOP IT STOP IT <span class="u">STOP IT</span>, I AM <span class="u">SICK</span> OF HEARING THAT.</i>
</p><p>A pause, mental and physical.</p><p>"I'm not upset-"</p><p>"You are upset."</p><p>"I'm not upset. I just have a lot of work I need to do. I'm just a little stressed." Complete lie.</p><p>
  <i>Johnny loves Devi.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>FUCK YOU!</i>
</p><p>"You're upset." Johnny sounded baffled and, wonder of wonders, a little betrayed. Edgar wanted to shout in Johnny's face that he was tired of being considered an accessory rather than a person, a wall without feelings, and that he didn't want to hear about how much he loved Devi because it made him want to be violently ill because he was jealous and he didn't know why and he wanted to kick Johnny out of the apartment and then curl up somewhere and die. He wanted to see the crushed look on Johnny's face as he realized just what he had done.</p><p>Edgar knew Johnny well enough to know that even if he did do something like that, Johnny may have been hurt by it, but he would never understand it. Johnny's understanding of others was severely limited to begin with. He doubted he could ever feel empathy for Edgar in this situation, particularly when he was so happy.</p><p>"I'm not."</p><p>"Edgar." A warning tone. That wasn't good, and Edgar felt a tinge of fear in response. Edgar kept his hands in the water and refused to look back at him. He stared down hard, felt his eyes narrowing.</p><p>"What did you two talk about that was so amazing?"</p><p>A pause and he heard Johnny shift uncomfortably at his side. "Why?"</p><p>"I want to know." His finger throbbed. "Maybe we can try to talk about it too, if it makes you happy."</p><p>Just apart enough so as not to reveal how he felt about it, but hinting enough at it that maybe Johnny would pick up on it. He wanted to be happy for Johnny. He knew he did. He knew that even if he felt this ugly inside he wanted Johnny to be happy. </p><p>
  <i>You want him to be happy <span class="u">with you</span>. To know that you did things right. Are you still looking for that acceptance from someone else? You poor pathetic child.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>God, just- just- I hope you die.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Oh ho, is that so? Want to add me to your mental repertoire of dead bodies? I'm flattered. Do you want to stab me before or after Devi?</i>
</p><p>His hand had tightened around the blade of a butter knife in the water. It dug into his skin, the blade too dull to cut through but it ached nonetheless.</p><p>"Do you think Devi will replace you?" Close. Edgar forced himself to let the knife go and to breathe normally.</p><p>"Considering that we're only friends...I don't think that's very likely." Edgar sounded non-chalant. He put the last knife with the others. There was nothing else in the sink now, but he kept his hands in the water anyway.</p><p>He glanced over enough to see Johnny nodding sagely. "I knew you'd understand. It's  totally different. Me and Devi have a special kind of relationship. I still want to be friends with you though."</p><p><i>Oh I'm just <span class="u">so honored</span>! </i>Edgar heard Scriabin's loathing in his own words and the thought occurred to him that Scriabin had to have gotten it somewhere.<i> Let's just be friends! I've tried to be everything I could to you, were you even trying in return? You can take your 'special' relationship and <span class="u">shove it</span>-</i></p><p>"That's what I thought." Edgar swallowed. He pulled his hands from the water and stared at his wrinkled fingers. The knife had nicked alongside his index finger. A thin droplet of blood was welling up in the wound, which stung horribly. "I know she means a lot to you."</p><p>
  <i>She means more to you than I do. Three hours with her means more than <span class="u">my life</span> to you. I hope you <span class="u">die</span>.</i>
</p><p><i>I'm marking this day down for posterity.</i> Scriabin sounded extremely pleased. <i>I never thought I'd hear those words coming from you.</i></p><p><i>I hope everyone <span class="u">dies</span>.</i> Edgar grabbed his hand and squeezed it with all the force he kept out of his voice. He felt the muscles in his face tightening, the blood throbbing to and from his fingers and watched the droplet rise and fall then slide down his wet skin. <i>I hope everyone dies, especially you.</i></p><p><i>I love you too.</i> Scriabin's voice was cruel and amused.<i> I'm so proud of you.</i></p><p>"I love her more than anything. I didn't know I could ever love someone that much. It's like she's turned me off and fixed me, finally. She's fixed me, I know it." <i>No she hasn't.</i> Edgar took a breath through his mouth. <i>No she hasn't, you just think she has.</i> "She's...God, I don't even know how to put it into words. She's all I can think about. Do you know what that's like?"</p><p>"No." Edgar gritted through clenched teeth. He forced his jaw to loosen and tried to keep his voice lighter. "I don't know many people, remember?"</p><p>"That's right..." Johnny sounded thoughtful. Edgar watched his finger bleed.</p><p><i>You're not going to notice it, are you? </i>That spiteful, angry voice in his head and he kept squeezing his hand. <i>You're not going to notice. You're just going to talk on and on about how Devi's everything I'm not and how much better you are for having her and you're not going to care.</i></p><p><i>You could point it out to him, </i>Scriabin said lightly. <i>But that wouldn't be passive-aggressive, would it? And it's really not your style to be direct.</i> Pouting. <i>What a pity.</i></p><p>"I'm so glad I can talk to you about this. I feel better just saying it. I feel better than I have in months, Edgar. I feel like I can...like everything can stop."</p><p>"That's nice." Edgar's finger throbbed. "It's nice to find someone who can make you feel that way." Careful guarded reflection, learned from books read long ago in hopes of helping Johnny like he wanted to do, but nope. Johnny didn't need him after all. Looks like his perfection was vastly inferior to the kind of perfection Devi offered.</p><p>Johnny sighed, soft and content. Edgar wanted to shove his head under the water until he stopped breathing.</p><p>"I'm kind of tired." Edgar let go of his hand. His heart beat furiously. Even his body prepared for some kind of physical assault. "I think I might go to bed."</p><p>"I thought we were going to go see that movie." Johnny blinked at him.</p><p>Edgar scratched at his face, in particular at his scars and hard. "I don't really feel up to it, if that's okay with you."</p><p>Johnny stared at him for a few long seconds, studied him.</p><p>"Okay..." He didn't sound happy, but apparently he didn't want to press the issue. "I guess I can ask Devi if she's free."</p><p>He scratched harder until his skin felt hot. "Yeah, that's a good idea. You would probably have more fun with her, anyway."</p><p>Edgar turned away, looked down at the flakes of skin caught beneath his nails and felt the tingling creeping sensation around the parts of his skin near his scars that could still feel. He headed for his bedroom, his eyes steadily fixed on the ground.</p><p>"Tell me all about it when you get back." Edgar called over his shoulder. "It sounded like a good movie."</p><p>"Are you sure you don't want to go?" He could hear Johnny's steps behind his own, lingering. "Are you sure you're too tired?"</p><p>Edgar reached the doorjam, then turned to face Johnny slowly. He blinked at him, and Johnny stared back.</p><p>"I'm not in the mood." Edgar's voice was flat. Johnny stared at him, confused and again, perhaps betrayed. That made Edgar feel good and bad at the same time. He didn't like who he was right now, this wasn't who he knew himself to be.</p><p>"Okay..." Johnny hesitantly looked off to one side. "Um..."</p><p>Edgar waited a minute for Johnny to say something, then turned and walked into his bedroom. He wasn't tired, but he had to make the appearance. He pulled out some of his sleeping clothes. Tried to forget that Johnny still stood in the doorway, staring at him in that uncomprehending way. </p><p>"Edgar."</p><p>"What?" Sharp and short.</p><p>"You know you're my best friend."</p><p>Edgar paused for a moment in his activities before continuing. "I know."</p><p>A pause. Johnny apparently expected more of a response.</p><p>"You know you're more important to me than anyone else."</p><p>
  <i>Except Devi, as you so artfully detailed to me in great length.</i>
</p><p>Edgar wanted to say that out loud so badly, but restrained himself. Johnny may have been happier than he had in months, but provoking him still could lead to a potential death, and Edgar knew better.</p><p>"Mmhmm." He folded the clothes he was going to wear. He wasn't sure why. He just wanted something to do with his hands.</p><p>Another pause. Again, Johnny seemed confused, disappointed by his response.</p><p>"Edgar, you know that, right? You know that they're two different relationships, right? You're...still important to me." His words came awkwardly and sounded forced and rehearsed. Johnny had probably heard someone say something similar on TV or at the movies and in this situation, didn't know what else to turn to.</p><p>Edgar didn't know what to say to that, so he stayed quiet. Shifting cloth. Another pause, and the creak as Johnny adjusted his weight on the floor.</p><p>"I just wanted you to know," Johnny said quietly.</p><p>Edgar waited as long as he felt was appropriate.</p><p>"Mmhmm."</p><p>More long seconds. Edgar refolded his shirt for the fifteenth time. </p><p>"I really care about you a lot." More awkward lines, more forced words.</p><p>Edgar stayed quiet.</p><p>"And I won't...forget about you, or leave or anything."</p><p>Had to be from some television drama. No one could sound this false unless it was on purpose.</p><p>"I'm sure you won't," Edgar said.</p><p>More silence. Edgar could almost feel his discomfort. Johnny kept trying and failing and he wasn't sure what else to do. What other line to try.</p><p>"I'll call you when I get home. I'll tell you about the movie."</p><p>Edgar opened a drawer, looked inside, shut it again.</p><p>"Alright."</p><p>Pause.</p><p>"Edgar..." Pained.</p><p>A thousand things to say ran through Edgar's mind, and he stayed quiet.</p><p>"Are you really happy for me?"</p><p>"Of course I am." Edgar took off his shirt. He would have hesitated in Johnny's presence normally but now he found that he didn't care, and he almost hoped that he would make Johnny uncomfortable enough to leave. "You're all I care about. It's good to see you happy for once."</p><p>He knew Johnny wouldn't catch the accusation in his words. In his head it was quite clear.</p><p>Silence, and Edgar put on his sleeping shirt.</p><p>"Really?"</p><p>Edgar folded his discarded shirt and put it to one side.</p><p>"Of course."</p><p>Johnny stayed for a few seconds longer in the doorway. Edgar heard his hesitant steps across the carpet as he headed for the door.</p><p>"...Talk to you later..." Johnny sounded distant, perhaps a little disturbed. Edgar waited until he heard the front door open and close before changing completely.</p><p>
  <i>Well?</i>
</p><p>
  <i>You think I can add something to that? That was perfect. Beautiful. I've never seen you act more cold, passive-aggressive, and selfish. It's enough to make me smile.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>I hate you.</i>
</p><p><i>Oh Edgar, is that <span class="u">really</span> so?</i> Scriabin said in an overwrought, melodramatic tone. <i>Or is it really <span class="u">yourself</span> that you cannot stand? Oh, the overwhelming angst of it all.</i></p><p>
  <i>God, I hate you.</i>
</p><p><i>I'd tell you to get over it, but I like this side of you. Now you know where I got it from.</i> Edgar turned to his bed and decided to stare at the ceiling. Scriabin's voice dropped to a whisper. </p><p>
  <i>Now I know that you can feel just like me.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>The thought makes me sick.</i>
</p><p><i>I know. </i>Scriabin's words twisted by whatever his equivalent was of a smile. <i>Isn't it marvelous?</i></p>
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